We got to talk for a whole 7 minutes tonight. SIGH. i HATE this. So frustrating sometimes. Tonight it's an 8:00 senior band show meeting, which if I guess right will last 2 hours, and I'm going to bed by then at 10:00. So before his meeting, he has to eat dinner and do hw. So when does that leave time for me? And I try to stay up late for him, so that we can have some time to talk at all, but as the result I fall asleep on the morning bus and the afternoon bus everyday b/c I'm not getting enough sleep. It makes me so mad, and frustrated, and lonely sometimes. Sigh. I can't wait until he works a job with regular hours.

Lately I can't find the energy to be productive. I feel frustrated. I graduated a couple school years ago, and I just want to move on. But I can't, I gotta wait for Fred to finish up. I'm jealous that he's going to the Industrial Roundtable and getting all these interviews. Never once did anyone ask to interview me, and barely any companies were even looking for people in my major. He tells me that he's comparing how much they'll pay him, and that makes me even more frustrated. First of all, it shouldn't be about who will pay you the most, it should be about doing what you like doing. Now granted, he said that he wouldn't consider doing work that he didn't like just b/c the money's good....And if I had the chance to get paid better doing something similar to what I'm doing right now, I would love that opportunity. However, all his options are probably $45k up to probably $60k. Whereas I'm getting paid $28k. So even his lowest paying job option is plenty enough to survive on, but whatever. Maybe I'm just jealous b/c I struggled hard to even find a job after I graduated, and even when I did, I can't find one that pays at least $30k. It's embarrassing to me that I don't have enough money to move out of my parents' home. And yet I took a job that makes me less money than my last job b/c I'm happier here.

Purdue football games are good b/c it gives me something exciting to do most weekends. I can't wait until volleyball starts up so I can do vball band. I'm doing alumni band in 1.5 weeks for band day/family day. Last weekend I got to hang out w/ a lot of my friends, and we watched the Colts/Bears game. That was a lot of fun, and yet it only makes me miss my friends more. This summer when school wasn't in session at Purdue and everyone was doing their summer/permanent jobs, it didn't seem so lonely. Every weekend I mostly saw Fred, every once in a blue moon saw another friend, and that was enough for me. But now that school's started back up, and I got a couple opportunities to hang out w/ my friends, I'm missing it a lot during the week.

I really really considered finding a job up at Discovery Park at Purdue, and moving up to Lafayette to live. I even examined possibilities by looking at available jobs on the website, emailing my old professor, and talked to a couple people. Brian suggested that I find a roommate to live w/ to make it easier to pay the rent/utilities. I got all excited and thought that this would be perfect b/c I will be driving up to Purdue nearly every weekend this Fall, and it would save me a ton on gas ($25/weekend...possibly as much as $275 this semester alone), I'd be right at Purdue to do whatever even during the weekdays (for example Robin Williams is coming on a Thursday), I'd be available to hang out w/ my friends, and I'd get to see Fred all the time instead of just 2 days. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. Then it hit me yesterday as Fred was telling me once again that he wasn't gonna be home tonight (this time due to Boeing providing a meal at Bruno's)...I'm never going to be able to see Fred during the week. Since classes are spread out, he ends up getting out of class long after I've gotten out of work, and then he ALWAYS has something...whether it's job interviews, group meetings, hw, projects, band of some sorts, Switzerland meetings, it's always something. And I don't blame him for that, but it's just that it dawned on me that one of the biggest reasons I was considering the move was not to save money (altho that was a nice side effect), but to see him. I know what will end up happening...I will move up there and then end up spending all the weekdays w/ other friends...and while other friends are nice, I came for him. So as of last night, I think I have decided to stay in Indy and continue to commute as I have been doing. :-\

Over the summer, we both just had jobs in different cities. It wasn't the best situation b/c we were separate, but it really wasn't that bad b/c after we got off work every day, we'd talk a lot. I mean probably 4 hrs a night. When school started back up, oh man did I miss that. He comes home late every night due to something (a meeting, working in his lab, hw, or w/e), and by the time he gets home, he's absolutely exhausted. Yesterday his dinner meeting was only 1 hour...after not hearing from him for 3 hrs, I started to wonder/worry what happened b/c he had said he'd call me after it was over. Well come to find out, he passed out on his bed for more than 3 hrs b4 waking up. He felt bad, and I am not criticizing him at all. But this is a perfect example of how stretched he is for time, and I just end up feeling lonely a lot. If I can't see him, I would prefer to talk to him, and that just really can't happen for more than 30 minutes a night (and that's only b/c he finds time for me, not b/c he's done w/ his work).

I'm just really missing him a lot and wishing that we could move in together and that he would be done w/ school. I love the atmosphere at Purdue. It's so exciting to be around the band, attend the sports games, go to concerts/comedians...that's the thing about Purdue (or any college), there's ALWAYS something going on there. You never have to worry about not having something to do on the weekends. (The only concern is having enough money to do it all). I also like how a bunch of my friends are in and around the Purdue area making it a convenient location to live. But it's just hard w/ Fred still attending the school. I think moving close to campus is only going to make me feel more lonely b/c I'll be 10 minutes from Fred, and yet still not be able to see him.

I don't understand why I have to compete for attention w/ a Canon Rebel XTI and computer games like Starcraft. I'm a girlfriend. Shouldn't I take priority? Especially when it's right before my bedtime and he just then starts playing the game. Well obviously he's not gonna finish for hours and I"ll be asleep by then. I keep trying to nap while he does things, and then wake up after he's done. But that seems worthless b/c he's always dead tired by the time he finishes and the conversation is pointless. Shouldn't he want to talk to me? Why should I have to pick about it. I don't want to nag, I hate nagging. I just wanna feel wanted. And sometimes I don't.

No, I don't think that he doesn't love me or anything stupid like that. I just thought...this is something he would want. And obviously it's not. When we're actually physically together, he pays attention to me just fine. But when we're not physically together, I feel ignored a lot.

I'm really tired of the finger-pointing, accusing nature of my coworkers. I know why they do it. They are scared that it is their fault and they will look bad, so they quickly point the finger at someone else. So who gets blamed? Mostly the contractors b/c they are easy targets (the second class) and media prep. After today's episode, I am almost positive that I don't want to apply for the Dow position in media prep despite whatever strings they pulled for me to be able to apply internally. I know what will happen if I work there. I will work my ass off, and still be accused of everything that goes wrong in the department. I will make a few mistakes (b/c I am human) and someone will leech onto me. 

I hate being in a job where ppl teach you to fear making mistakes. Mistake are human, mistakes are when I learn, mistakes are how I understand why we do things the way we do them. In an environment where I simply fear making mistakes, I will focus every day on being mistake-free. There will be no innovation, no creativity...just the fear of being wrong and being yelled at.

I'm so glad that I have tomorrow off due to it being Good Friday. I'm not saying every day at work is bad b/c it honestly isn't. I am generally happy doing what I do. It's just that one of my bosses in particular is getting on my nerves. She treats me like a child constantly checking up on me b/c she has a controlling nature. She also has a tendency to dump work on me last minute b/c she wasn't capable of finishing it herself. This is usually due to the fact that she doesn't plan very well. Which is hilarious b/c she spends hours organizing her outlook calendar, but can't seem to understand why she's always running out of time. (It's b/c she doesn't plan realistic amounts of time to complete projects, and doesn't put any extra time into her schedule in case something goes wrong/takes longer than expected.)

I've been looking into finding a job fairly hardcore the last couple weeks. I've applied to places in Chicago, Indianapolis, Lafayette (Purdue), even Houston (Nasa), and a few other places. I'm looking into other states more and more, but a job at Purdue Research Park would be pretty nice. My parents screamed at me for the first time w/ Fred present. I had him wait outside the house b/c I knew it was coming. That was semi-humiliating, but I guess now he knows what I go through on a weekly basis. Every week, it's always something. (Hey kinda like my boss!) Just fyi, my boss is almost exactly like my mom. Very ocd and high maintenance. I can deal w/ it for a while, but I really really need to get away from it after a while and hang out w/ guys b/c guys aren't so nervous and high strung, they are more relaxed. I hung out w/ Tony and Gary after work yesterday. That was enjoyable. First time I've spent time w/ my coworkers outside of work and lunch. W00T

I would love to kick back w/ my friends after work today. And get a massage too. My back and neck are killing me. I keep saying I'm gonna do one these 15 minute massages for $15 at the health center at work, but I still haven't done it. It's every Thursday, so maybe next Thursday I'll try it.

I had a really good day. I had a good meeting at work, after I talked to Fred I was very relaxed and calm the rest of the day, I finished all my work w/ time to spare. I stayed at work extra long so that I can get off a couple hours early on Friday. I'm gonna go get my car all washed up and looking sexy and get some money from the atm, and I'll be all ready for Friday!

I woke up this morning in significant pain. I decided to go ahead and go to work. Once I got to work, I felt like I was gonna pass out in the parking lot before I could even make it inside. Let's just say it's feminine problems, and I will soon be going to the doctor about it. That was a crappy start to the morning. I told all my bosses that I might be leaving early just in case. Well that's about the only bad thing that happened today. Today actually went pretty well!

The temperature got up to 50 degrees, I went to McDonald's for lunch and didn't even need a jacket it was so nice out. Fred texted me several times from Florida, and they are having perfect weather down there on the beach. There's a 90% chance the shuttle's gonna take-off on time. The last I heard, they were grilling out on the beach in shorts. Man I wish I could be there! haha. But really, I'm happy for Fred. He deserves a nice break after all the hard hours he's put into research and the yucky week of 2 exams he had before Spring Break. They will be back on Friday, so I'll get a couple more days w/ him, and that makes me happy.

He and I have talked, and done a lot more planning just in general, and that's really nice. I enjoy thinking about our future together. I spent the entire day w/ Brian last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure I brought up Fred in every conversation in one way or another roflmao. Oops. He's always on my mind I guess. I love him so much. Through the ups and downs in life over the last 8 months, I have never been happier w/ someone. I love him more and more every time I'm w/ him or I talk to him. He asked me to a Blessid Union of Souls concert on March 25 in Indy, so I'm excited about that. It's a Tuesday night, but he said he will finish his hw early so we can go to the concert. He can be really sweet sometimes, and I like that side of him a lot. I would kiss him right now if he were here.

I am so ready for a vacation trip! I'm praying winter weather is gone for good now that the snow is melted from last Saturday. I'm ready for SUNSHINE, HEAT, OUTDOOR SPORTS, TANS, GRILLING OUT, FIREFLIES AND EVENINGS WHEN IT'S STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!

WORD OF WARNING:
*Please don't message me w/ amazing statistics about how long you and your s/o have spent apart. I am not in the mood and I don't want to hear it. In fact, it might be a good idea not to respond to this at all. I just want to let it out.*

I really wanna spend more than 1-2 consecutive days w/ Fred. I am really f***ing sick of it. Yes, it''s great that we get to see each other on a weekly/biweekly basis. For a long-distance relationship, that's pretty amazing. But I need more than that. I was so excited for Spring Break b/c for once Fred could spend a week in Indy instead of just a day. Well plans changed and he left for Florida tonight, so I got 1 day w/ him. I can't blame him b/c he had a great opportunity. He is going to see a shuttle launch in Florida on Tuesday morning. He is pretty much assured that the shuttle will take off on time b/c weather in Florida is predicted to be clear. But it just sucks. I can't lie. IT JUST SUCKS. He's finally off of school for a week, and he's gone.

I'd love to go w/ them, but I can't. Even if I didn't need the money, I can't tell my boss on a Friday that I want to be off Monday through Thursday the next week. My boss would be like who the hell do you think you are?? So it's Spring Break...whoopie. It means nothing to me. It's the same old weekends. I am not angry, it's more of a let-down. Just a disappointment that what I thought was gonna happen didn't.

Sometimes it's kinda hard to wait for somebody. It's gets kinda lonely at times.

I'm gonna see the Big Ten Tourney this weekend. BTFU! I also signed up for golf lessons with Laura, Clif, and Clif's mom. That starts in April. The classes cost $120, so a little more than I wanted to pay for having an activity, but I really need something to do and I don't want to make excuses anymore.

Well work went really really well. I talked in great depth to 2 of my bosses about how I have been struggling to finish the work that's thrown at me in the 40 hrs/wk that I work. They discussed changes that need to be made both w/ me and our team, specifically communication. My department has gotten into the routine over the years of not communicating. Everyone does their work (aka just enough to get by) and leaves for the day happy that they got their paycheck. There is no team mentality. Also, the definition of a contractor has changed. We no longer "belong" to a single scientist, we are shared among an entire team whether we are given our own experiments or not. We now reserve the right to say, "I'm sorry, but I am too busy to help you out right now" instead of being snatched away from our projects at any given moment and thus getting further and further behind in work. I was also given some good advice on what to do when looking for my next job, as the 2 bosses I talked to know that I will not be a contractor forever b/c I have a bachelor's degree and am capable of much more. I got advice on interviews, relocating, the types of work I'm interested in, job's benefits, etc.

So that was the good thing of the day. Now for the bad.

I have been planning for a couple weeks now to go on the GABS trip to Illinois. I asked my parents permission, I asked my boss for 4 hours off of work the Monday after the game, I planned my entire workload around this trip. Then I find out that the Gold Mine says all the seats are full on the 2 busses they are taking to Illinois. Well gas is very expensive, and I am already paying $20 in gas roundtrip to get to Purdue alone. So even if Fred and I split the gas money, this is much more than I planned on paying. I asked the Gold Mine president if she had any information about busses or carpooling, and she was no help. She said to ask Pam. I can't seem to find any piccolos that are going. I have made a post on the Facebook GABS page and I have emailed Pam to see if she has any information on people carpooling there. If I could even find 2 more ppl to split gas money w/, I would still love to go. It is very disappointing to me that I have done all this planning and then it might fall through. I will still be at Purdue regardless this weekend b/c I want to see Fred's band concert.

So let me know if you're willing to carpool w/ me to Illinois on Sunday (the band concert is Saturday, so they do not conflict...I have already been asked that).

I love my boyfriend. That's really all I wanted to say. He's a very good boyfriend who treats me well, and I don't ever want to date anyone else. He's all I desire. He has me completely...all my love, affection, and attention. Anytime I worry even in the slightest...once I see him again, all my worries vanish. He makes me relax, he makes me laugh, I am myself w/ him b/c he makes me very comfortable. When you love somebody, a lot of the little things don't bother you anymore. Whether their hair is cut just right, whether their family is completely sane, what you do when you hang out/date...who cares if it's the tv show/restaurant/movie that you wanted to go see...as long as you're doing it together. And when they treat you like your opinion matters to them, that's all you really need. Just wanted to say *happy sigh.* I don't feel like I'm in a struggle anymore. I am happy and I can relax. Life can be perfect even when it's not the way you imagined it.